apismelifera

So very shortly after my last post I hemhorraged AGAIN, had another d/c and two blood transfusions. Let me tell you, you NEVER want to lose blood, man did I feel like crap for a good two weeks. Then things got a little better until I threw up my dinner one night 3 weeks ago and ended up in the hospital to have my gallbladder removed!  In a way I’m kinda glad for all of the complications, because I’ve never been more motivated to be healthy. I’ll say that again “be healthy”, for me it’s always been about how I look and the heck with my health. Now I know how sucky it is to be really ill, I want to do everything possible to stay well. So now Im finally starting to feel 100% again and have started exercising again and tracking my food. No diets or weird concotions, I’m just look at food for what it is “nutrition” and I’m trying to eat what I need and stay away from things that my body can’t use.

First off, let me say I would gladly gained 100 pounds if it still meant I could have my lovely little “nomi bear” baby.  I had a very difficult pregnancy, in April when I was five months along I was diagnosed with four pulmonary embolisms and was placed on blood thinners. Then began the war with my blood pressure, which flucuated dangerously putting me on bedrest the duration of my pregnancy, until I was induced at 38 weeks with a reading of 160/110.  Praise to God, I had my Niaomi and she was perfect at 10lbs 21.5 inches. So two weeks in and all was clear, or at least I thought it was until I hemorraged and had to be hospitalized.  Now that was over a week and a half ago and I’m hoping I’m truly done with complications, but let me get to my point which is that my whole pregnancy I ate like a piggy and didn’t exercise, so I gained a total of 60 pounds , 20 of which I lost when I delivered, but that still leaves me forty up. It’s still too early for me to think about exercising again but I do want to start tracking my food, it helped me so much last time, actually seeing what I ate. So here I am, ready to do it again, wish me luck!

SO I fell off the wagon in the worst way. While my husband was home I was okay, but as soon as he left I felt miserable, and turned to my good ol’ buddy food.  But as I was doing this I was analyzing myself, I knew it was wrong but I just couldn’t care right then. So as I found myself sipping milk shakes, ordering baconators and scarfing pizza I asked myself why I found it so comforting. Might as well make it a learning experiance, right?  My answer was that it wasn’t comforting at all, but that it kinda hurt, stuffing myself with all that food. It’s rebellious like “I can eat what I want”. It was kinda like a tantrum, like “If my husband has to be gone for nine months than I can have some damn alfredo sauce”! It was me trying to make one pain smudge out another.  That has always been me. I’ve never really had anyone to share things with, or wait thats an excuse, really I just avoid sharing things with people, I just suck them up instead, but it’s just now that I’m really seeing the connection between this and my eating.  But I’m back, and I’ve made myself a promise to stop destroying myself with food and held in emotions. I’m ready to get crackin again and to be more honest with myself and others.    Well okay I’m done rambling.